


Writing On The Wall

by nothingelsematters



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 04:02:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7786033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingelsematters/pseuds/nothingelsematters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The writing's been on the wall for a while. They can both see it, can both see what is happening, can both see the inevitable ending.</p><p>Now Joshua has to decide if he fights it out, and what the consequences of that fight might be, both for himself, and the man he loves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Writing On The Wall

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics are taken from Sam Smith's "Writing on the Wall".

**_I've been here before  
But always hit the floor_ **

 

 _If I had a quarter for every minute I'd spent in the waiting room of the doctor's office in my life, I'd be a very rich man_ , Joshua thought gloomily. His gloom was deepened by the thought that this was supposed to have been a happy visit to the doctor; this was supposed to be the day he was cleared to start jumping again, to start working properly on the ice again, to start his buildup towards next season. But he knew better; his head was still not doing what it should, and his fluctuating moods were indicative of something else.

If only it had been his ankle again. Or his knee. Or even his hip, or just something. Anything but this concussion. With his other injuries, everything had been so much easier in comparison, even if at the time it had felt so hard. Timelines. Scans. PT. And healing that would normally stay on schedule, leading to his return to the ice. But this - this was just so difficult. Foggy and emotionally screwy. And no definite timeline. There was no telling when he would recover.

_If at all._

"Mr Farris? Come this way, please."

In his pocket, his phone buzzed.  _How did it go, love? :)_

 

**_But with you I'm feeling something  
That makes me want to stay_ **

 

Jason had been the one constant thing in Joshua's life for years. And even when he'd been injured, Jason had always known just what to say, what to do, how to make him feel better. Even before they'd been together, somehow, it was always Jason.

It had been part of what had drawn them together. On the surface, they were polar opposites - bright, happy, extroverted Jason, and quiet, shy, introverted Joshua. And somehow, it worked. Joshua was able to keep Jason calm, to help him untangle the emotions he sometimes just hid under his happiness. And Jason drew Joshua out of his shell, gave him self-confidence, made him feel more confident.

When they had first got together, everyone around them had nodded knowingly and declared it a teenage infatuation, puppy love, the sort of brisk fling that burned itself out in six months. When they'd lasted a year, the knowing nods had continued: for how long could it last, as they went head to head again and again and the stakes got higher and higher? They had always laughed at those. As if they'd been doing anything else for their whole lives!

Deep down, though, Joshua knew. He knew that Jason was the other half of his soul, the reflection in his mirror. They belonged to one another, and Joshua could no longer envisage a future without Jason by his side.

 

**_If I risk it all  
Could you break my fall?_ **

 

The doctor's words echoed in Joshua's head, so painfully loud that it stirred up another headache.  _I'm not telling you what to choose. But I am telling you that if you were to get another concussion, we could not make any guarantees as to what might happen. And it could be very bad._

On the plus side, the optimistic part of Josh pointed out, they hadn't told him to retire. He hadn't been explicitly forbidden to continue. He could wait for his head to stop spinning, wait for everything to settle down, and then he could work on his comeback. Surely it wouldn't be so difficult. He could protect his head, wear a halo or some padding, and it would be all right! He could still make his Olympic dream come true, he could still follow the wish, the promise, that he had made, so long ago, that he and Jason would go to the Olympics together...

But what if it wasn't all right?

The doctor wouldn't have told him it could be bad if he didn't believe it. Doctors didn't say these things just because. And...well, Josh wasn't stupid. He knew that sometimes bad things happened to those who suffered multiple concussions. They knew about the football players, the hockey players, the ones who'd suffered for all of their lives, the ones whose families and partners had had to wear the tragedy and the consequences of the repeated blows to the head.

And Josh knew he'd fall again. It was part of skating. Falling is learning, he'd been told since he was old enough to be jumping. Falling is learning. Everybody falls. And Josh sure knew he'd taken some hard falls in his time, and would again if he went back. And if he fell again - he could not control whether he'd hit his head, or if he'd get whiplash again, or even if he'd crash into the boards.

What then, if he did?

Could he do that? Could he do that to his mother, his father, his brother? Could he do that to Jason? Could he force them to live with the consequences if he chose to continue?

 

**_How do I live? How do I breathe?  
When you're not here I'm suffocating_ **

 

Never had Jason felt his exhibition music to be so poignant. In the last couple of years, living barely twenty minutes from Joshua, he'd become used to having the man he loved near him - if not at all times, at least most of the time. Always he had hated leaving Josh alone when he was injured, but this was the worst of all. He was glad Josh had moved back in with his mother, because at least then it helped to rid his mind of the hated image of Josh lying on his bed in the dark by himself.

He knew they had always felt each other's absence keenly. Even when he'd been twelve years old he'd always been looking for Josh over his shoulder. The first year they had been together had been peppered with text messages, emails, Skype calls, sometimes every day during the off-season. Josh loved his smiley faces.

But somehow this was worse, this was different, and Jason could feel something slipping away. Not their relationship - never that - but something, perhaps, just as important. For the life of him he could not have told anyone what, but the anxious feeling would close up his throat from time to time, and leave him scrambling for his phone to send another loving message to Josh, just to see the reply with the smileys...

 

_**I want to feel love run through my blood  
Tell me is this where I give it all up?** _

 

It came as a relief to both of them that night when Skype made the usual noise that signalled that they were connected. And then, after the usual hesitations and glitches, the cameras switched on, and they could see each other.

For a long moment, neither said anything, both just taking in the sight of each other's faces. Finally, the silence was broken by Josh. "How's Cali?"

Jason felt a short burst of laughter escape him. "It's fine. Warm. Nice. I miss you so much."

"I miss you, too. Are you ready for the show?"

"Of course I'm ready!" Jason exclaimed. "You know why we're calling! What about you? What did the doctor say? When will you be back?"

"Well..." Josh hesitated. "He didn't exactly say."

"Oh," Jason tried not to show his disappointment. "Well, what did he say?"

Josh sighed. He just could not lie to Jason. "He said...well...he said it was my choice."

Silence echoed through the room. The expression on Jason's face told Josh that he knew exactly what that meant.

Then Jason's face split into a bright, warm, loving smile, and when he spoke, his voice was soft and gentle.

"I know you'll make the best choice, Josh. I love you no matter what."

And warmth flooded through Josh. It reaffirmed that Jason had always been, and always would be, by his side, for better or for worse.

 

_**For you I have to risk it all** _

 

The ice felt strange under Josh's blades. It wasn't the first time he'd been back on the ice, but for some reason, after the doctor's visit, it felt more strange than usual. Even the simple turns and steps felt odd. It was almost as though his every skating sense was heightened; every movement, every slip, every rock was captured and analysed by his brain, whirring at speed. It only took about ten minutes of this for Josh to realise what his over-arching emotion was.

_Fear._

Every slip, every slight off-balance moment, sent his heart rate climbing. What if he slipped again? What if he fell and hit his head again?

But he could get through this, right? Right? He had to. He had to get through it. He had promised Jason all those years ago that they would go to the Olympics together, that they would always compete together...

 

_**'Cause the writing's on the wall** _

 

Jason was surprised when his laptop started singing the Skype tune to him. He hadn't expected a call from Josh today. A grin lit up his face. Maybe this meant Josh was feeling good. He answered the call -

\- and was immediately shocked by Josh's pale, wan face, his eyes puffy and red from crying, his shoulders slumped in dejection.

"Josh? Are you all right?"

Josh looked up at him, and Jason felt the agony in those blue eyes lance straight through his heart.

"Will you - will you still love me if - even if - I never skate again?"

"Oh, Josh!" Jason reached out to him, momentarily forgetting they were thousands of miles apart. "I will love you no matter what. I always will. I promise! Is it - is it that bad...?" And Jason felt the tears rising up, choking him, because he knew from Josh's body language that it was so.

"I can't do it, Jase," Josh whispered. "I'm so afraid of hitting my head again. They said - they said if I did - it might be...I might be..."

Never more than now had Jason wanted so badly to be back in Colorado Springs, but he knew, instinctively, that Josh didn't want him to abandon the show, his competition preparation, and come home.

"It's over, Jase," Josh's voice was quiet, anguished. "We'll never stand together on the podium again, we'll never go to the Olympics together..."

"But we will be together," Jason replied. "Skating or no, we will be together."

And that, as he had hoped, brought a smile to Josh's face.

"Will you help me write the letter?"

"Anything for you. Read me what you've got." And Jason listened as Josh began to read, knowing that while they might never stand on that podium together again, they would always have this. The writing was on the wall for Josh's skating career, but Jason hoped that soon he would see, too, that this was just a new beginning for them.

END.

**Author's Note:**

> I am still so sad.


End file.
